When Kim Kardashian said ‘For once can everyone just get their shit together around me, so I can f*ckin lose it, just once… I want to have a bad day.’… I felt that.
And if you felt it too, I see you.
My resilience isn’t built on past trauma or present adversity – yours might be, and to you, feel my respect for putting one foot in front of the other everyday and showing up, you are one of a kind.
I’ve developed a different kind of resilience though. The kind where you just have to be, to carry the weight of protecting those around you. Resilience built from the pressure of always needing to have your shit together, so you’re ready to jump into action when people need you.
I am your biggest supporter and fiercest protector. The listening ear, the sound advice, helping to dissect and analyse situations – a woman who grounds those around her. A constant. Always there, and always with an answer, and always putting the feelings of others before herself.
Families are propped up on the shoulders of those with the steadfast, empathetic, nurturing personalities. People who find purpose & value in being the comfort blanket to everyone around them.
My default drive is jumping into action, looking for solutions, and trying as hard as I can to make things better for the people around me. I’m the go-to. The agony aunt. Built in such a way that everyone else’s mental health, comes before my own. Which I’m totally fine with. Mostly.
Sometimes though… Just sometimes… I’m left looking round wondering, who’s left to ground me? And when’s it my turn to really lose my shit? Would the world fall apart if for one day I couldn’t keep it together?
Probably not, but also, why is it not that easy?
When you so often carry the mental load, it’s hard to break away from being the carrier. It’s what comes naturally, and sharing the other way can feel uncomfortable. You’re seen as a strength in tough times, so why would you want to change that?
It’s also not about not having the right people around you – I have so many of the best types of people around me… the drop everything types that would be there with open arms if shit ever hit the fan. But this isn’t about them. This is about the pressure we put on ourselves to always seem like we’ve got it together.
But there’s one phrase that circles my brain whenever I feel like this…
You can’t be everything to everyone, and nothing to yourself.
Read that a few times and let it sink in.
I really believe the modern world has fucked us all over – especially women. Convincing us that we can have it all, and do it all – and feel happy through it. Beautiful homes, intense careers, enough money, solid relationships, motherhood, forever friendships, fun social lives, healthy eating, plenty of exercise…… and still have time to decompress with an evening of self care after a long day of having it all. And be the shoulder for everyone to cry on?
Hmmm. I think America Ferrera’s speech in Barbie said it best… it’s LITERALLY impossible to be a woman.
And it’s impossible to be the person doing all the things, and always carrying the mental load… which so often is women.
It feels alien to me that some people actually get to switch off and have respite from their own brain of an evening… without writing mental lists, and physical lists, rethinking a conversation you had earlier that day, or worrying about someone.
Do you ever feel like you’re treading on egg shells, or biting your tongue? Or that it’s not worth vocalising your feelings because you’ll probably feel better in a few days anyway… why rock the boat?
STOP MAKING YOURSELF SMALL BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’S EASIER.
Putting yourself first sometimes might feel selfish. But it’s not.
And let’s be honest, the idea of having it all… is a lie. Being able to cope with everything, all at once, all the time… it’s a bold face lie.
The world is designed to make us all feel like we’re failing, so we keep desperately trying to grab something that’s never going to happen. And you should never feel less than for being okay with the fact that it’s all a farce.
You will never see me spinning all of those plates, because I can’t. And I won’t apologise for it. We are all our harshest critics, and so used to feeling guilty if we're not getting everything right all the time.
My mental strength and empathy is one of my favourite things about myself, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. But the pressure of being there for everyone when they need it and needing to show up for them all the time… it’s a lot. And it's okay to admit that.
So, as we enter the last couple of months of 2023, which has been a year FULL of emotions & introspection for me, I vow to be kinder to myself, and more honest.
And you should too. Give yourself a break. Feel your emotions too, and give yourself space to emotionally recharge –
you can’t constantly be the light for everyone else, whilst you’re sat in the dark.
And if you’re supporting someone you know is taking the lion’s share of the mental load, give them the space to lose their shit for once – they’ll thank you for it.
Because listeners need listeners too.
Alexa, play People Pleaser by Cat Burns